pour myself a cup of ambition
I've been up since 1am because I couldn't fall asleep. I tried until 4:30am or so, but gave up after tossing and turning, and decided to watch gossip girl, journal, and paint my nails instead. I'm struggling with my "career" lately—something I never intended to have—because it conflicts with who I am as a person. I'm in an industry I never intended to be in, and the longer I stay, the more I worry I'm going to be stuck in it.
I'm aware this is a problem that most people would be grateful to have, but when every day feels like a battle to maintain my sense of self—something I've worked so hard to get back—it feels like one step forward and two steps back.
I've spent most of the month re-reading Whitman and finding comfort in his poetry. I think of growing up feral in Florida and how I learned early on that idleness is okay. I think of the years spent in my own head as a kid, digging holes in the dirt, and running around barefoot on dirt roads; there's a part of me that yearns for the simplicity of it all. How does anyone convince themselves that we're built for capitalism?
Anyway.. time to get ready for work. :(